A Lot More
by Nicky Gabriel
Summary: Cody didn't like to see Nick hurting. He hated seeing the haunted expression on his friend's face, the sad eyes and the quietness.


**A Lot More**

**By Nicky Gabriel**

Cody didn't like to see Nick hurting. He hated seeing the haunted expression on his friend's face, the sad eyes and the quietness. It didn't happen often, but the few times Cody was a silent witness of his friend's pain and anguish were definitely _too many_. Lately it seemed that more and more often Nick just heard or saw something and no matter how happy the moment was, everything changed in a blink of an eye and Nick looked at Cody with such sadness it broke his heart. And then Nick would just turn around and go away, leaving Cody worrying and trying to understand what had just actually happened.

They rarely talked about the past or its influence on their lives – Cody had a feeling that something from Nick's past haunted him – and he was sure that Nick was capable of dealing with it by himself, but somehow for _Cody_ it was not enough this time. It was Christmas and nobody should be sad at that time of the year.

Nick had his own issues with this particular season and every year Cody tried to make it easier for him. Nick wouldn't always let him in, but Cody still tried.

And it was time to try again. Especially because he thought it somehow wasn't really about the past, but about the future.

Nick was sitting on the bench, looking at the dark water. Cody knew he sensed him, but he didn't turn around. Nonetheless, Cody didn't need an invitation. Even quiet and subdued – Nick didn't demand Cody to leave him alone, and Cody knew Nick never wanted to be alone.

"You looked as if you saw a ghost earlier this evening," Cody began in a neutral voice. He wanted to touch him, to let him know that no matter how difficult it had become to live through this particular season every year, Cody was always by his side. And always would be, if he had any say in that. But Cody didn't want to push his partner into any confessions he didn't feel up to.

Nick didn't answer for a while, but then he just asked, "Do you ever think about it?"

"About what?" Cody inquired gently.

Nick looked at him and shrugged.

"The future."

Cody frowned, because it wasn't what he expected to hear. "You looked as if you saw a ghost when we were coming back home tonight. How is that related to the future?"

Nick glanced at him with pain. "It is. She looked like someone... I loved," he explained in a whisper.

Cody tightened his grip on the rail, but that was the only visible reaction to his words. He hated when that happened. Nick was the last person who deserved being hurt like that, and yet he was. And Cody could do nothing to ease that pain. Not then, not now. Apparently not ever.

"I know," he said with compassion. Renee St. Claire – he remembered her vividly and the girl they've seen earlier that evening indeed looked almost like Nick's former lover.

"And I lost her," added Nick, this time not looking up at him.

"I know," Cody repeated. "You still miss her?"

Nick looked at him a little sheepishly.

"Yeah, and it hurt, Cody," he admitted. They hardly had to pretend with each other that everything was okay when it wasn't. Ten years of partnership did that to you. "I know it's stupid," he said, shrugging.

This time Cody had to reach out and touch him. He put a hand on his shoulder, feeling how tense Nick was.

"It's not stupid." He shook his head. "You think I never loved anyone? And never lost them?"

Nick turned toward him and for a while he sat there, searching Cody's face for something Cody couldn't understand. Yet he didn't move and held the gaze. He just hoped Nick would find what he was looking for.

"Do you think I'll ever find someone who would stay?" asked Nick finally. "Who would stay no matter what?"

It wasn't easy to keep looking at him, but Cody managed not to turn away.

"I don't know," he admitted.

Nick just shook his head, disbelievingly.

"Is that so much to ask for?" he asked bitterly.

Cody sighed.

"I hope it's not," he whispered.

"So why is it..." Nick started, but stopped suddenly and just looked at the dark horizon again.

"What?" Cody tilted his head with genuine curiosity and concern.

"It's not important," Nick sighed deeply and stood up taking a step toward the door but Cody held him by his arm.

"Sure it is," he said. "I can't help you if I don't know what is wrong." He wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say, but he was determined to find out what was causing his friend such pain and make it disappear. The sooner, the better.

Nick didn't move for a moment, but finally turned to face him.

"I thought that I could do it. That I could try over and over again. But..." He hesitated, as if trying to figure out if he had said too much.

"Yes?" Cody encouraged him gently.

"It hurts more every time. And I'm not that brave, Cody. Not anymore. A few years ago I could take the risk, but now... I don't want to lose what I already have."

Cody shook his head and said firmly, "I don't think you can lose it."

But Nick just winced. "Of course I can," he said bitterly and sat down again. "Every day. And you know it."

So it was _that_ fear that haunted Nick. Cody didn't know if he should be scared or relieved by that revelation. Nonetheless there was still something that bothered his friend.

"Nick, why are you thinking of that all of sudden?"

It took Nick a long time to answer that question. And by that Cody knew how serious it was, because there were certain things he didn't talk about even with his best friends.

"Because I'm not sure I even want it anymore," Nick whispered with an empty voice.

That answer really scared Cody.

"What do you mean?"

Nick looked at him, frowning. "Just imagine I meet a woman of my dreams," he started slowly, and waited until Cody nodded. "A woman of MY dreams would have to have one character trait that I haven't found in any woman I've ever met."

"And what would that be?" Cody raised one eyebrow.

"She would have to accept you as a part of my life and not ask me to choose," answered Nick firmly and frankly. The both knew it, but they never talked about it.

"Nick, the problem is that _we_ always make them choose," explained Cody. Or at least he tried, because it was just how the things were and they could hardly do something about that fact. "Always. It's never exclusive relationship for them."

"I know," Nick nodded solemnly.

But Cody wasn't sure he understood. He had to make Nick understand what he was really talking about.

"You can choose them easily because you know I'll always be there for you. You don't need to choose me, Nick." He shrugged. How else could he say it?

Nick looked at him for a moment and then smiled. Really smiled – the warmth reached his eyes and was channeled to his partner, who took a deep breath, feeling as if a weight had just rolled off his heart.

"Well, I guess you'll have to do," Nick whispered with affection, resting a hand on his knee.

"Yeah." Cody covered Nick's hand with his own. "I know it's not the same, but..."

"You're right. It's not the same." Nick moved closer and Cody saw that the haunted expression had disappeared from his face to be replaced by something else. "It's a lot more."

**The End**


End file.
